April 1, 2004

Dear friends,

The bride summed it up best: "This was more than a dream." It was really an unusual wedding. It was a mixture of all the cultures of Israel. The people we know from the pre-dawn services at the Wall were there: some of them are beggars, really poor, but they were all dressed up and proud to be there, and they brought presents they really cannot afford. The social elite of comfortable Jerusalem was there: ambassadors, professors, musicians, and their spouses, speaking many foreign languages. The Israel Armed Forces was there: at our count six or seven generals, no uniforms, but lots of security. Nili's and Philippe's friends were there, in large numbers. Nili's large family, several generations of Yemenites, was there. Friends whom we met last year came, including students from Ursula's ulpan (language class). The very orthodox men arrived and, since they don't socialize with women, went to an area for themselves; other folks came and kissed. They came from all over Israel, some driving two hours to get there, and then home again. Our friends from abroad were there: Deborah Lipstadt and Benny Hary from Emory, Sam and Debbie Betsak from Atlanta, Olivier Morali and his friend from New York, Dick Scheuer from Larchmont in whose house Ursula and I met, Hertha Chester from New York the oldest friend of Ursula's family, Ninette Perahia from London, and Benjamin and Alexia from Brussels. Second, the evening was everything the bride and groom had wanted: a very dignified ceremony, lots of socializing, good food; Israeli, Yemenite, and social dancing, and very good food. I finally got a taste; Ursula never ate.

The hall is well-known in Jerusalem for its beautiful setting and its good food, and so it was. We parked and walked into a large open area where the huppa (bridal canopy) was set up -- all in white with candles and flowers around it, a red carpet with blossoms strewn on it, and two rows of orange trees to border the aisle. Lots of food. Even a sheep to amuse the children which Philippe had arranged. People arrived and began socializing right away (see fotos: the man in the picture with me is a relative on the distinguished rabbinic side of Ursula's family). We went with Philippe to make arrangements with the rabbi. Then, we too came out to greet people (see fotos). Meanwhile, the bride arrived, sat on a large chair decorated in white, and received guests in between saying prayers for special people and blessing those who wished it (see fotos).

At last it was time to begin the procession. Benjamin couldn't get everyone quiet. I explained that, in Israel, things were not done that way. At no point would everyone be quiet. We just needed to start marching and they would respond. The band hadn't practiced the music, so we sang loudly and others joined in. First came Philippe with Ursula and myself, carrying candles; then, the children with the ring; and then Nili with her parents, also carrying candles (see fotos) (more fotos). For Nili's entry, Philippe had invited a famous Yemenite singer to sing the traditional Yemenite wedding march (who says it has to be "Here Comes the Bride"). In so doing, the Yemenites felt genuinely honored and many said as much to us or to Nili's parents.

The officiating rabbi, Rabbi Mutsafi, is the assistant to the chief sefardi rabbi and he proved to be very engaging. He spoke clearly and with great humor and gentleness to the couple and to the audience. He made the first blessings and the bride and groom drank the wine. Philippe then wrapped himself in his new talit (prayershawl) which was specially made by his Iraqi kabbalist rabbi. The talit was then raised over the couple (see fotos). Then Philippe gave Nili the antique Italian ring he had chosen to use and recited the proper formula. In medieval and renaissance Italy, many communities decided to have one ring which all grooms had to use. Each one purchased it from the community and then gave it back. This avoided the use of sumptuous rings by some and very modest ones by others. The one Philippe used was bought by a great uncle many years ago and it has twenty knobs of gold on it. (Sorry, no pictures of the ring ceremony; the person using our cameras just didn't catch that.) Later, after the ceremony, Nili removed the ring and she and Philippe exchanged bands of gold.

After the ring, came the reading of the ketuba (marriage contract). I was asked to do that but Rabbi Mutsafi, as a kindness to the audience and after telling me he would do so, cut the reading short. It was well done that way. The witnesses were Justice Menachem Elon, former Deputy President of the Israeli Supreme Court, and Rabbi Shmuel Darzy, Philippe's Iraqi kabbalist. Philippe also signed (see fotos). Then followed the seven wedding blessings, recited with their kabbalistic intentions and in the Iraqi melody, by Rabbi Darzy (the slightly bent-over man in the photographs). The groom and bride drank the second cup of wine and then the groom recited the verses from Psalm 136, "If I forget thee, O Jerusalem," and broke the glass as a reminder that we are still in exile (see fotos). Just before the bride and groom left, Benjamin and Jonathan released two white doves into the dark evening sky.

After the ceremony, the bride and groom (who had been fasting) went into seclusion for a bit of privacy. The audience socialized freely and assembled in the dining hall (see fotos) (more fotos). Dinner was served with special tables for the orthodox who require an unusually high level of kashrut. Everyone knows that this is how it is done here. The only problem was that, there being no RSVP system in Israel, more people came than expected. The caterers just put up more tables. People were patient (see fotos) (more fotos).

In orthodox circles, not only do men and women sit separately at public functions, they also dance separately. So, the orange trees were brought inside and set up as a divider on the dance floor, and the first set began with separate dancing. It was wonderful to dance with my three boys, especially with Philippe; also to dance with Nili's father and brothers. The women did their part and, for the record, the women are much better organized and diversified in the steps they use. Personally, I never dance with other women and both Ursula and I feel comfortable with the separate dancing. There is just no need to display one's repressed sexuality in public. Without my even feeling it, there was a seamless transition to Yemenite dancing and I found myself struggling to follow the steps. It wasn't bad as long as they were slow but, as the speed increased, I lost them. Naturally, Philippe and Nili were carried on chairs above the heads of the crowd (see fotos) (more fotos).

Alexia and Benjamin worked exceptionally hard, with Nili's sister Tali and brother-in-law Erez, on preparing a short video of the life histories of the young couple It turned out to be much more technically difficult than he had thought and, at minus five hours, we were first sure that it would work. We managed to get the band to stop long enough to show the film and it was just charming: pictures of their respective childhoods and teenage years -- they were both very beautiful children -- of Nili as a soldier (she is now a major in the IDF), and of their courtship. All present enjoyed it immensely. Then, the orange trees were removed and mixed dancing began. By that time, the orthodox contingent had left. We were supposed to say Grace After Meals and the wedding benedictions before that group left but the timing just didn't work out.

Finally, we reached the end of this beautiful evening which had combined all sub-cultures and had been at once popular and elegant. We said the final prayers, including the seven wedding blessings and, then, at the request of the bride and groom, we sang "Jerusalem of Gold" and the "HaTikva," the Israeli national anthem. Up to that moment, I had been fine; then, I lost it, as they say. So did Philippe and Ursula. We stood there with tears pouring down our cheeks -- the honor of being able to marry off a child in the homeland of a free Jewish people. How many generations of our ancestors had prayed for this! And here we were in the holy city of Jerualem, in the free and democratic State of Israel, marrrying off our son to a young woman who proudly bears the uniform of the men and women who defend that state. One of the people present (I don't even remember who it was) came to me afterward and said, "I am second generation Israeli and I never understood what the word 'Zionist' meant until now."

In a final gesture, Nili and Philippe invited the family to join them in a trip to the Wall. So, at 2:30 a.m. we set out in a procession, the lead car having been decorated by Benjamin and Nili's brothers. There, the ever present photographer was at work; Urusla had given up by then. Each of the parents blessed the bride and groom separately. We went to the Wall itself to pray that which lay in the heart of each of us. And then we headed home (noticing on the way in two more bridal couples who had just arrived).

What a wonderful evening and what a tribute to the love, spirituality, and dignity of Nili and Philippe (see foto). Blessings upon all from the holy city of Jerusalem. David