Psalm 27: Response

Savannah Gross

 

Rape Victim Response

 

The LORD is my light and my help;

whom should I fear?

The LORD is the stronghold of my life,

whom should I dread?

-Psalm 27: 1

 

Do not fear? Do not fear?! …What, am I supposed to feel safe? Safe, when I can’t bear to be touched anymore? Safe, when I lie awake, eyes gaping into the dark, trembling as I drown in cold sweat? Safe, as I pant, terrified that he’ll find me again, terrified that he’ll chain me down and hurt me, hurt me, hurt me… That is not safe, and then you ask me, “whom should I fear”?! I will tell you. I fear that every shadow is a demon, and every demon is a man, and every man is him.

 

He will shelter me in his pavilion on an evil day,

grant me the protection of His tent,

raise me high upon a rock.

-Psalm 27: 5

 

Do not say such things to me; it’s too late now. When I needed Him most, He turned aside. My bones are ash… How could I bear to be on a rock anyway, up there where everyone can look at you? Do you think I can stand the eyes of others? What do you mean, call Him Father? I have a father, and he would have killed would it have saved me… But not Him, the One who claims to have made me. Him, the One who allowed this. And then He is cruel enough to order my love lest He burn me?!

 

Hear, O LORD, when I cry aloud;

have mercy on me, answer me.

-Psalm 27: 7

 

Well… Will You never answer? Am I to be like Job, who cried out, needing You, demanding that You explain his pointless suffering? Not that You ever really answered, did You? No, do You even remember what You told Job? “I’m big and you’re small and there’s nothing you can do, so stop whining. I could smite you off the face of the earth, so who are you to challenge me?” …I’ll tell you who I am, my God. I am the thing You claimed to love and then left for dead. Answer me! You who would be my Judge.

So smite me, if it suits Your almighty power. Smite me to end my doubt and torment. Smite me and prove Your love a lie.

 

Do not forsake me, do not abandon me,

O God, my deliverer.

-Psalm 27: 9

 

Or if You will not smite me, deliver me. Just do not leave me here. You cannot leave me here! …Either clutch me to Your breast or crush me into the dust, but give me my answer. Do not leave me here!